Those eyes that look at me, they read my soul. You touch my skin and I become alive. What a feeling it truly is. I never want it to end. I lay there next to you and think “Can this moment last forever?” You make me so incredibly happy. What a beautiful feeling it is.

I think I knew it from the first time we were together. The way everything flowed so naturally. The way it still does. It’s s fluid and easy. It’s like a breath of fresh air. It’s more than I could have ever asked for. I think about it. How I feel. What this could be. What it is. It’s better than anything I’ve ever had or thought I could have. I think about it when we are laying down next to each other, and I look into your eyes. Do I love you? Is this what love is? I’m definitely falling for you. How could I not be?

Thank you for the happiest i’ve ever been. Thank you for allowing me to feel. For feeding my soul. Making me feel so alive and loved. Even for a moment. It was so fluid, so natural. Thank you for bringing me back to myself. For allowing me to be me fully, without judgement. For allowing me to remember I can be loved for me, that I don’t have to change myself to be accepted. Thank you for making me so incredibly happy and allowing me to love, if even for a moment.

Do you see me falling?

Sometimes I wonder if you’re there. 

As i reach for you I wonder if you see me

are you still there? 

Who am I without you? 

I always assumed there was an “us”, that we were “we” and that that will always be the truth. But life doesn’t go that way. When we walk onto the ledge and stare to the bottom, looking at the waves crashing from the sea. As we feel the wind blowing on our skin, terrified to jump, walking our feet backwards one by one. You are there to make sure we fall. To push us to the bottom of the ocean, trying to drag us up to catch some air but never letting us get there. For a moment, I stay there, allowing myself to sink. Accepting that this is my faith and that this is how it has to be. 

You reach your hand to me to take me out, knowing so well i will never be able to reach. I try either way, but fail. I look into your eyes and wonder if you still see me. Do you still see me?  Do you see my falling? 

I close my eyes and think. Who am I without you? Is there a me? Is there an I? I always thought it was just an us, and never a me. 

And then I opened my eyes and saw. The truth was before my eyes all along. The beautiful sad truth. The one I always knew but couldn’t see. It hit me like a rapid storm. I wouldn’t be the same one anymore. And as tears ran down my tired face, I smiled because I knew. I would never be the same again.

I thought the ship was sinking. I thought there was no way out. And I braced for the fall. But then something beautiful happened. The ship began to open towards the sky. I could touch the clouds. I had never been so high

and it was incredible.

I saw it now, clearer then before. How did i never know? How did i never realize? Each day the world becomes more alive and I begin to breath more deeply. The air never felt so good. The world never looked so bright . How did I not notice the gray before?

I made a promise to myself to never loose sight of the brightness. To never go back to the gray dark days. Nothing will hold me back now. I am more me than ever before. I am more true than ever before.

And the world is more beautiful than ever before. 

My eyes are slightly open. I feel the ground beneath me. It’s cold and dark, more than I remember. I’ve been here before, but it’s worse than I remember. I can sort of make out the light above. I’m trying so hard to get a feel of it. Some warmth on my body to mask the coldness. I move around trying to get the right spot but it’s impossible. I try to climb up, I almost make it but as I reach the top, I slide back down. It’s so hard. I can’t get out. I finally give up and accept it. “Maybe i’ll get used to the cold, it can be nice.” I tell myself. “Who needs light anyway.”

I settle down and stare up to the light, forgetting the reasons why I even wanted it inn the first place.

I stay there until I convince myself it’s fine, at the bottom of the pit.

It’s like you wanted me to sink.